Depression had settled in so severely that after days of lying in the dark, the only clear and conscience thought running through my mind at the moment was becoming an actual option. The idea of leaving the safety, comfort and isolation of my bedroom had become so overwhelming that even the most basic of human functions now seemed insurmountable… relieving myself in the bedding that had become my comfortable cocoon was a possible reality.
I still need to take a moment in order to process the very real and frightening place I had reached this time a year ago. A place where even the smallest of tasks (using a toilet) “pain of purpose”, any purpose had become so burdensome that I genuinely was prepared to lie in my own filth. Anything so I could avoid facing the wreckage of my life and all of the responsibilities that now came along with what it would take to begin repairing it.
It was a conversation recently with one of my favorite human beings (Ms. Carol) about where I was this time last year when I was surprisingly struck with feelings of gratitude and appreciation. My experience with depression last year (my darkest holiday season on record to date) did however come with benefits. It had made me understand depression on a new and different level (certainly one I never had known before). I have developed a different kind of respect for those suffering and coping with depression, along with true disdain for those who mock and question the severity or legitimacy of this brain disorder. Its biggest benefit though, knowing that I wasn’t ready to cash in or give up.
The Holiday Season
I think part of what makes the holiday season so difficult for so many of us (addicts and non-addicts alike) isn’t that we don’t truly enjoy being with our families and friends, it’s that we begin to and they become a kind of gauge for which we compare ourselves to all of those that we know and love. The very people whom matter most to us. Those from our pasts and present. Did I meet the goals that I secretly set for myself? Have I met the goals that others secretly set for me? Was there follow through on any of the promise I made over and over again to myself or to them? How badly did I let my kids down this year? For many of us the list is endless.
And while every list is a little different, I believe they all evoke some frustration, self-doubt and disappointment in all of us. Whether an addict or not, years end in one way or another has an affect on all of us. Otherwise, why all the resolutions to be a “better” version of oneself new year, after new year, after..? But for an addict there is far more at stake than a few weeks of melancholia. Triggers for relapse come with frustration, self-doubt and disappointment. Therefore we must exercise diligence, gratefulness and have a willingness to raise our glasses differently for a New Years toast.
We can not afford to see our glasses as half empty, they must be half full!
No matter the individuals situation, I believe we should all begin a New Year working, “one day at a time” in the hopes that our glasses too will again soon be overflowing. And although for many the glass may appear to be half empty, I think most would be pleasantly surprised to find their glass half full, if only they used a different form of measurement.
So many of us use money and things as our single determining factors of “success”. I remember those days and understand that way of thinking, but unfortunately for myself and many others in or struggling with recovery that tool of measurement has been exhausted. We may still be rebuilding and repairing those examples of “success”. When thinking becomes I should have “more”… than often you feel like “less”. I believe that is a universal feeling. So this year I have pulled out a different gauge to measure my success for the years end. No-one likes to feel like a failure or to be perceived as a failure by others, so why would I use a set of tools that is guaranteed to make me feel like one?
This year 2020, thanks to Ms. Carol and our brief conversation I made the decision right then and there to look at my glass as half full. I have had a hell of a year (good and bad). I acknowledge that I am no-where near where I was before relapse or where I would like to be, but I am not in that darkened room. I am moving in the right direction and I am better than I was a year ago. I am not in a full on sprint, but I have signed up to run again. And as they say, “A journey of a thousand steps starts with just one”.
I know how difficult it is to look at a shattered life, anyone’s (especially your own) and to see the good, because I am doing it. But I also know it is a necessary skill for me if I wish to succeed in recovery and have a life worth living. Beside that, I think in general it just makes for a better, healthier and happier Duane.
I know my life isn’t a vision of perfection for others, but three days in and 2020 has already been a better year for me.
God bless and as always thanks for popping by, Duane.
A question posed by a fellow blogger, my inspiration and a reminder of many fond memories this morning.
“Well I’ll admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty, that weren’t kidding when they called me well… a witch, but you’ll find that nowadays, I’ve mended all my ways, true..? YES! Hands down, The Little Mermaid is my favorite Disney flick. Amazing music and a great story involving friendship, discovery of self, inclusion and the acceptance of others despite our differences (in this instance, feet).
And there are also some great life lessons for all in both Disney’s animated original and the remake of Beauty and the Beast. Examples reminding us that it’s whats on the inside that counts. Emma Watson provided a powerful performance in the remake, reiterating throughout that a woman doesn’t need a man, unless she wants one. That despite our big lie, more often than not they need you, more than you need them. And men in turn were reminded that a woman is no mans possession. Friendship, respect and love are things earned not demanded or taken by force.
Disney’s attempts as of late with films like Frozen, while perhaps visually stunning, in my opinion offer little in the way of examples or lessons for us and our impressionable youth. Who can ever forget the first time their daughters face lit up (as did mine, in horror), as an abominable snow beast was sent out to kill a Disney princess’ sister? Not me.
Our Aunt Jane and Uncle Frank took my brother and me to see,Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and although not on my top ten list, the vague memories of it are. Strange little men, a mean old woman and an apple are what I remember, but regardless of my foggy recollections I will always cherish the memory of time spent with those I love. I believe what makes experiencing Disney films and other epics so special is sharing them with loved ones, and thus they become cherished memories. That’s why we all love Disney.
I think Disney films remind us of our youth, of just how important and how much we love the people in our lives. My girls didn’t have the same experience watching the film Frozen as I did. They were simply Enchanted. And so was I, because I was with them, sharing an experience that we will have forever.
For me remakes are almost always unnecessary. I have often thought, “Why don’t they just re-release the original?” and not only Disney’s. I suppose you could remake Grease (it’s the word after-all), but why? The original is a timeless classic. Despite a talented casting, look at what happened when the travesty that was the made for television, The Sound of Music was thrust upon us, ugh. What were they thinking?
I recently watched the new version of Mary Poppins, Mary Poppins Returns and I didn’t hate it, but did she have to? By stealing from our past and our childhood memories of the classics, I fear that Disney diminishes the originals charms and there impacts on us. Why couldn’t Mary played by the lovely Emily Blunt have had another cousin, one like the creative and exuberant character Topsy created for Meryl Streep?
I personally think the entire experience would have played better and been more warmly received by the public. Plus, from a marketing stand point for Disney, had the world not spent a year making comparisons to the two films, I think younger generations would be more inclined to see the original, a timeless classic.
Funny coincidence, whiling typing this piece and begrudging the idea of remakes, CBSN just announced a remake of the American classic, Home Alone.
It seems that everything old is new again. As I am slowly becoming an antique myself and being somewhat of an antiquarian, this works for me. I love old things. Prefer them it fact, do I (classic reference folks). In fact almost everything in my house is antique, handmade or from a resale shop. Unlike the the new, most older things were built to stand the tests of time. Just like me.
I know there are those that view Disney and even Walt himself as some sort of monsters, but good people sometimes think and do bad things, just as bad people, sometimes think and do good things. We don’t live in a world of absolutes. No one or any one thing is purely good or evil.
I love movies, especially Disney movies.
Once upon at time… is the possibility of anything! It is entirely up to us where the story goes from there.
As always, thanks for popping by. God bless ya, Duane
I love signs. Any and all kinds of signs. Signs, they come at us from everywhere. Social media, television, on billboards, in planes, through music, movies and these are just a few of the ones that are tangible and perceptible through sight and sound.
What about all the signs we give and receive everyday that are unseen, unheard or not felt by others? You know… those gut feelings. The ones that resulted in your finding the courage to ask that girl or guy out. The one you ended up marrying. But only because you got a sign that he or she was digging you. You go boy!
My apologies for the dark turn I have taken lately. But, I have been ignoring the signs myself. Lost in a downward spiral of self doubt and pity I found myself reverting to old habits. Self medicating through food and the woe is me file of tragedies in my life. Thankfully this morning I woke to a new sense of balance and some signs. I operate on the system of knowing the right thing to do and all to often ignoring it. This is not a good combination for me. I become riddled with guilt and began to question everything I am doing. Which then becomes a form of paralysis and inertia.
I now also then begin to feel disconnected with my God. He isn’t going anywhere though. That isn’t how my god works. My god has my best interest and is always waiting around for me to hear Him.
This must be on the Highway to Heaven.
It’s me. I am the one who checks out from time to time. Choosing to ignore what I believe are the correct and best choices for me puts me off kilter. Questioning the path chosen for me and not accepting my current placement in life is a mistake. I don’t have to stay there. I just have to accept that this is where I am right now, at this moment. And that in this moment right now… I am okay.
Which at this moment I am. I have food, shelter and relatively decent health. The latter being something I was reminded of by my mother with a simple message telling me my aunt was able to keep food down for the first time in ten days. It put my aches and pains in perspective, not to mention other things too.
The message also reminded me of a story. Shocking I am sure to all of you.
I had the best job interview of my life based off a sign. A sign I had made myself. Years ago when I moved back to town for college I filled out an application for employment at “The Sweet Onion”. Art the gentleman who would become my GM only interviewed me because I had written in the space that said, “Why should we hire you?”… “My mother says, “I have a sparkling personality!” He took this as a sign. And a thriving restaurant career was born.
Good signs and Bad signs?
My point. The signs are everywhere. They point us in both good and bad directions. Some are easier than others to read or follow. And sometimes despite our best attempts, we read them incorrectly.
But ignoring the signs altogether I think may be worse than misinterpreting them. Sure this poor fella may have gotten a no, but he isn’t going to spend the rest of his life wondering, what if?
For me not trying, not suiting up and getting in the game is a sure sign that something is wrong. And that is a sign I have been ignoring. Even if only for a few weeks. It’s a slippery slope. It takes me closer to the “fuck its”. Again I came damn close to lying in bed all day in my self imposed exile, pity and misery. Instead though today I chose to listen and follow my signs. A clean house. A new perspective. A few thoughtful words and suddenly Duane has stepped back into the arena (Brene’ Brown). More on Ms. Brown at a later date. She is the bomb.
As always thanks for popping by. God Bless, Duane.
This morning I woke with only one thought on my mind… Hobby Lobby, those bastards! Not feeling well and being physically destroyed for once by the weather and not my own hand. Have I mentioned before I am a recovering addict? Anyhow, I laid in bed wondering perplexed, pondering exactly what it meant to have this industry giant and their discriminatory practices with registers soon to be ringing from the sounds of a free market system in our small town. I thought, how could a company with such questionable ethical ideals and small minded, self serving business practices be entering my small towns market? Contemplation of the legal ramifications and implications of picketing on public property, I imagined myself chained to a bulldozer waving signs that read, “You may love God, but God hates homophobia”, and such.
My mind then turned to the recent go-rounds with a local neighborhood action committee. They were fighting to prevent another extremely controversial company from entering our community. I recalled HOOTERS had recently tried to enter the Mount Pleasant business market. Committees outraged over the possibilities of having a HOOTERS opening, (well… at least in their neighborhood) had jumped into action to prevent this from happening. The opening would have been in an albeit adjacent location to their neighborhood, but in an appropriately zoned area, near other businesses and intended to end the continued blighting of a now still empty eyesore in our community.
Through my self-righteous indignation I had envisioned myself not shopping and picketing a business that I didn’t believe contributed to or was a necessary brand for our community. One that I believe personally divides and strips others of their rights. A belief and feelings I am now more than ever willing to fight for and defend. At this point in the article if you are unfamiliar with the literal definition of self-righteous, there is a link below. An interesting side note for readers not from the area, who know little or nothing more about me other than what this blog has to had offer.
Both my mother and father have been in local politics my entire life. Entirely out of respect for their positions as community leaders, for me this has meant along with keeping opinions, at least publicly on vast array of local items. I have also kept silent on a myriad of other issues. As you can imagine a son straddling the addiction and recovery worlds could, can, and has been somewhat of an embarrassment. With my father having retired from his position and my mother soon to be done with her tenure, if I choose I will no longer need to keep myself from the local spot light of our small town politics, save causing my family further embarrassment. Hmm?
Having said this… I have a reputation in our community. Not necessarily a good one, but not necessarily such a bad one either. As with Hobby Lobby (the Greens) and the practices of companies like them I am blessed to be in America, (an American) and whether you agree with my opinions or not… they matter (if only to me) and are sometimes even counted. Once long ago… even encouraged.
Maybe there wasn’t collusion, whatever that means, but there was interference (Russian interference) with or without our presidents assistance. As a result it has become all but impossible to offer objective opinions on almost any subject anymore. With instant social media, angry and ignorant responses hiding behind the safety of a computers raining a barrage of hate. We are subject to an almost immediate response, internal national anti- American rhetoric for suggesting unity and inclusion. Of course, this just perpetuates the already strained division we have in our country. A message of unity and inclusion being labeled as anti-American, should seem itself to be anti-American in a country founded on immigration and labeled as a “melting pot”.
Having accepted God into my life… I live in the light, now. So, no secrets here. Nothing left to hide or to lose. You won’t find skeletons in my closet, I came out years ago. In fact my closet is bare. I have laid it all out. Some of the past I will keep and fight to take care of, as long as there is breath in my body. Things such as freedom, equality, liberty and justice for all. Much of my past, I will leave behind. And what doesn’t fit anymore, I am giving away or returning. Maybe these are ideals and principles our country should adopt, too. This is the nature of recovery and my way of making my (and your) America great again.
Hatred, anger and intolerance seem to be at an all time high. Being criticized the moment one exercises any form of belief, an idea suggesting that acceptance, tolerance, unity or inclusion are the answer, has become the new American way of life. Instead of open dialog, discussion and debate we hurl accusations and encourage divisive division from both sides of the aisle. This will not deter my voice though.
Lets get back to Hobby Lobby. I do little anymore without a fair amount of research. So upon lugging myself and my now almost fifty year old aching body out of bed, a task that gets more difficult with each passing day (don’t take drugs kids). Especially in this yo-yoing Michigan weather. I began my research.
Much to my surprise I won’t be picketing Hobby Lobby anytime soon. In fact, I don’t entirely disagree with some of their position. I may even stop in just to see what all the hub-bud is about. Probably not though.
Know the facts before you judge based on someone else opinion.
It’s true, some of the forms of birth control used as their guise to openly discriminate against homosexuals, were in fact banned from their healthcare program. The morning after pill is no longer available, among others. So, their lobbying efforts worked. And with a victory to make decisions to take control of women’s rights, away from women, they were able to secure, and prove, yet again money and power speak louder in Washington than the people do.
But the Hobby Lobby and its owners “Christian (self)right(eous)” David and Barbara Green, inadvertently secured some other things too… rights for gays and lesbians in the work place. Thank you Justice Ginsburg. An ensuing decision on religious freedom and the right to openly discriminate against folks on sexual orientation or any other bias was upheld. A win for all minorities. A win for all people, but unrecognized by most.
What wasn’t a win for all minorities and the rest of low and middle income America is that we seem to be continuing to ignore big money and the corporate rule in America. Where is the concern? The concern that this is now the America we all live in. An America where the people within our communities don’t care about each other or the rights of their next door neighbors. We’ve become a society of every man, woman, and child for themselves. No longer banding together to ask these questions or any questions for that matter. No longer a country where we would mourn collectively the loss of a true leader. A country where a centuries old historic landmark burns to the ground and before the embers are out, the memes are up. Memes depicting God freebasing over its blaze. A disgrace and a message sent to the rest of the world, yet again about who we’ve becomes as Americans citizens.
Truly a loss of Biblical and historical proportions for all of us.
We seem to have become a country only respecting money, social status, and sports. Winning no matter what the costs. Whatever winning is in these scenarios? For some winning is just getting a hot meal each day. Others win if they don’t lose their homes. Still more are just looking for a struggling child to receive an education. Many have family, friends and neighbors in need of healthcare assistance. With the American opioid epidemic continuing to be ignored and a growing demographic including… I’ll bet someone that you know who needs or will need programs and funding available to help in the recovery process of addiction. For most Americans theses would be the wins.
It’s all fine and well to sit on a soap box when the issues you’re lobbying for don’t directly affect you or the people you love. Even easier to be the ruler on high, and suggest such things as, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche” or more commonly known and spoken in English as, “Let them eat cake”. Especially if and when it’s someone else’s American, son or daughter.
In business America we do any and everything to encourage free trade and commerce. Until… apparently it means having to side step a group of “undesirables” living the same lives, but with different clothes, husbands, wives, religions, and beliefs. Oh and most importantly lest we forget, a different color, ethnic background or sexual orientation. Lives equally as worthy as any of ours, as long as the public side-walk they’re using isn’t in our neighborhood, right?
How is this concept or idea any different than that of segregation in schools? Or separate drinking fountains for blacks and whites? With our commander and chief working so hard to create division in our country, where are all the protesters and good “Christian” folk fighting for the rights of others? Are you so far on the “right(eous)“, that you can’t see how wrong the direction we are headed in as a people is?
When the idea of a few drunken college students and gals in tight tops and short-shorts wandering out of Hooters into your neighborhood was the issue you rallied and poof, no Hooters. No commerce or added taxes to our communities base. An empty building still stands in it place. But when basic human dignity and rights are at stake… silence. They must have some hella good crafts and hobbies at this store.
More and more we hear the term, Trumps America. How’s the saying go? The squeaky wheel… He’s willing to tweet the most, talk the loudest, say what he thinks and believes about any and everything. All while sitting in the White House acting on and speaking on behalf of all of us. The frightening part, half of America defends his hate message, nods and agrees. And just what is the other half of America doing? The half that doesn’t vote in elections and doesn’t protest anymore, as we slowly lose our rights and the class division continues to grow…
We wait patiently hoping Muller, taxes, that next big tweet to bitch about or some other misstep gets him impeached. But It won’t. He has already stolen the narrative, total vindication and exoneration remember? The rest is just fodder for the continued and nauseating news cycle. Which he is a master of controlling. Done and done. I watched Chappaquiddick not long ago, fascinating. At almost fifty I am just a touch to young to remember any of this event. But, here are some thoughts… an example from across the aisle. Love me some Ted Kennedy. He did many good thing. But, he did lie and was responsible for the drowning death of a woman. Also, one of our longest term Senators, though. We are a forgiving and forgetting people with short attention spans.
Even if you believe any of the people supporting Donald Trump care about what the report or any reports have to say, these are the same folks who will re-elect him in 2020. Re-elect a man to a post many believe he didn’t want for anything more than a hobby in the first place.
Fundamentally, Americans with the same agenda… get the niggers, spics, Jews, Muslims (towel heads), fags and dykes out… that’ll make America great again! Did I leave anyone out, Don? I should have started this article with that sentence. It would be close to a Trump speech and then I’d of had the narrative, wouldn’t I?
Listening to and watching the current domestic and foreign polices on immigration and aid, leads me to believe the only colors this administration sees are white and green. With a national platform on which to picket and protest for his agenda. An agenda of exclusion and elitism with just a sprinkle of racial unrest, it appears an ethnic cleansing is what he has in mind. He doesn’t say this it out-right , but I sure get the impression he thinks America could use a good white washing.
Unfortunately, I get that impression and the 2016 election results seem to suggest an awful lot of Americans agree. A subject I don’t hear many speaking out about. We must continue to talk the rhetoric of unity. But we did this in the last election cycle. What we got from this was the realization that despite all the pontificating and posturing, Americans still have a growing and thriving racial inequality and unrest. Still a lot of healing be done, from now more than a centuries old wounds. Unfortunately, wounds that seem to be re-opened each day with every new tweet.
I am told Hobby Lobby has an enormous selection of games, and obviously hobbies, art supplies and crafts too. I have heard many a twenty something and millennial mention how awesome the stores are. They are looking forward to the edition of this chain into our community. The Greens must feel pretty confident that a middle American demographic small mid-western town like Mount Pleasant, MI. works for them and their agenda. Otherwise who would work and shop there?
Not our communities men and women. We are good “Christian folk”. And certainly not those attending one of Americas higher learning institutions. These young women and the men who support them, receiving educations at a college like Central Michigan University would never support such policies like that of Hobby Lobby. Young adults at this level must have been taught about our checkered American past with regards to prejudice and bigotry, multi-cultural differences, inclusive… and our ” melting pot history”. Unless all these individuals too, believe in the “Greens agenda” and “Trumps America”.
As it turns out surprisingly I do have more in common with the Greens than I would have expected. All three of us have a belief in our Creator. A sense of faith and belief in good fundamental Christian values. Where we seem to separate is on the issue of shoving our personal lifestyle choices and beliefs down the throats of other Americans.
It’s funny how, oh again how’s that saying go… ‘money, power something, blah, blah, power corrupts… Absolutely! It safe to say when you’ve decided to tell a person (much like slavery) what they can and can’t do with their bodies… you’ve become corrupted… Absolutely.
Self imposed dominance, rarely seen for what it is… but in some instances actually refereed to as, rape.. At its core an exercise in power and total domination. What an ugly truth for the Greens. What an ugly truth for Donald Trump, the president. But what an even uglier truth for those who would support those who support laws or an agenda which at its core, is the raping of America and its people. Regardless though, let’s all hope Hobby Lobby has a great selection of stained glass materials, right(eous)?
We may not have the money they do or the platform he does, but what we do have is each other, our social media and local news outlets. Let our letters be sent, let our words be written. Pick up the signs. Make the calls. We must let our voices be heard. Take up the fight to keep what truly made America great in the first place, America great again… Freedom of choice and expression, but mainly inclusion with a vast array of diversity.
As always thanks for popping by, God Bless, Duane.
My mother and a friend, who is a former graduate student of my fathers both recommend Richard Rohr to me. He is a Franciscan priest, author and the founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Obviously, with a whole center, a website, degrees and other stuff… he more than likely spent less time smoking “crack” than I did. The message he has is a beautiful one, a little scripture heavy for me, but don’t hold this against him… After all he is a priest. Sorry addicts, I had no idea my blog was headed in these directions. Please don’t leave before your miracle! Rohr’s message today which I have shared a link for as always below, was one of Christ sacrifice.
If you’ve been paying attention and I’ve said from the onset I am not expecting anyone to, I haven’t mentioned Jesus. I have used terms such as Christlike and have referred to the general message of Christ, but not Jesus Himself. His father and His cousins ( I think that’s who the angels are, HEY… its my blog!) we talk pretty regularly, but Jesus thus far hasn’t made any attempts to reach out. Or at least so I had thought.
We relate the events in our personal lives at any given moment based on our perceptions of what is good or bad in our lives. Since individual perception is reality. This is why not getting that last chocolate chip muffin at Starbucks, having waited in line for a whole fifteen minutes, seems like the end of the world for so many. When in reality the end of the world literally (look it up… the definition) is coming for the millions of men, woman and children dying of starvation without a Starbucks in sight. This year alone 36 million people will die from starvation.
Until I learned to love myself, I was never lovin’ anybody else.
Whether you’re a believer or not, arguing that living Christlike isn’t the answer makes you an asshole!
I could have ended this entry right there. As always though, I have much more to say. Reading Rohr’s meditation today, I had a sense of Jesus for the first time since my awakening on Broadway. My take away from his meditation today was Gods understanding. He provided us with Himself in human form so that He could have the human experience (in the form of His own Son). We choose to create convolutions which confuse and distort this very simple concept. Rohr even mentions scapegoating, which I just wrote about in a previous blog piece. Whom do I blame if I exercise my freewill and make poor choices, God? He understands your being angry, but can only shoulder some of the blame. And that blame is questionable only to the effect of our birth.
Even a long and beautifully lived still life ends.
The promise of birth is only life. Even plants and animals receive this gift. But a tree has no way of moving itself from bad soil, just as the worm doesn’t choose a hook. Our births into this world, themselves, give us reason for celebration. Weddings, birthdays, graduations, first communions, baptisms, all the rites of passages and experiences we share as individuals that culminate into the human experience which we celebrate as one. But so too does our grief, pain and suffering.
Born of sin, given freewill, selfish, ego driven and unable to see our commonality in our humanity. With each nail driven into Him representing our sin, pain and suffering. Each mark of His Crucifixion saying there is no earthly struggle we cannot endure with his love. Spreading his fathers message of love and unity, He was sacrificed by Himself as his Son, in hopes that one day we would understand and live by His teachings. Christ suffering on the cross, with the grief, shame and blame of our world being placed upon Him, we learn that through Him (Christ) we all rise to every occasion. There is no cross to bear. That has been done already for us.
It is through our shared pain and suffering, not only the celebrations of life that we gain knowledge and understanding of ourselves and others.
The struggle is real, for those in need… and
I can only assume (and this may make an ass out of me and you, but better safe, than burning in hell, right) this is when Gods intent for us is to become more Christlike. In these moments, our weakest times we should draw strength form each other. Yet, we seem to find more and more paths for division and exclusion. There is good in mankind. It isn’t always easy to see or find. It is often a struggle every day.
for those who help those in need.
Disillusionment brings me mental and physical anguish almost daily. I struggle sometimes not to pack up and disappear, both literally and figuratively. Each day though, I am given a chance to find my path, Gods will for me. Each day I sit at this computer and think… WTF Duane, who are you to be delivering any kind of message for God. But, if not me than who? So much easier to walk down Adams and just get a beer. Let the worlds problems and issues be someone else’s to bear and deal with. I imagine there are many who wish I would. Looking at myself, like it or not, forces many others to take a look at themselves, too. He who is free from sin… Mary Magdalene… the lepers… Healing of the blind man… These are the true messages of Christ…
All four stories have particular significance for me in my life. They also have real and purposeful meaning for the world we all live in today, as do all of Jesus’s life lessons (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth). Take the blind man. Jesus does heal his sight, but he does it twice. My coming to know Christ, also appears to be coming in stages. As a whole humanities coming to understand Gods word, His teachings, the lessons His Son has left for us, and what we as His children seem to be learning is also coming very slowly.
Don’t we all wish that our leaders here in America past and present were living more Christlike? Or for that matter that all world leaders were. Would the world even be in shambles if they did? And doesn’t that start with all of us as individuals, first? So, why not me. I am just as unqualified (filled with sin) as any of Gods other children to spread his message. But my interpretations of the Bible and Jesus’s word are one of unification and inclusion. A none believer just months ago. Now so intent on delivering His message I am ironically, willing to “alienate” those I have the most in common with, addicts and alcoholics (only because I know how hard it is to believe anyone could love us). But, also who better to deliver that message than a former non-believer, addict and alcoholic?
A beautiful April morning, snow falling from the sky like a December scene from a Christmas movie. Yeah, none of that should be in the same sentence. But here we are in Michigan and amid a global warming crisis that is being ignored, one should hardly be surprised by the weather. And besides in defense of the ignorant and righteous, I remember plenty of Easters with snow on the ground as a child. And I’m no spring chicken.
Speaking of delicious meats… in the middle of opening a can of corned beef hash while writing this morning, I was suddenly struck with the thought of just how unhealthy the choice I was making for breakfast was for my body. Peering into that can of grease laden, fat covered, deliciousness all I saw was a poor decision. I began thinking of all of the poor decisions we make every day. Knowing full well how detrimental they are for us; however, no matter, still, ill advised… choosing them.
Just yesterday on a friends Facebook wall, I saw a post that read something along the lines of, “loving yourself is recognizing when others are treating you badly.” I liked it and I thought about commenting on it, even sharing it. Somehow it seemed incomplete, something was missing. So I did not. While opening that can I realized what it was… the missing line, Now what are you willing to do about that? Whether it is the things we do to ourselves or the things we allow other to do to us, they all have an impact. Each decision we make or don’t make exacts its toll, takes us in a new and different direction. Sometimes down uncharted and dangerous paths, like addiction.
I believe we all have an inner voice that tells us right from wrong. Choosing to listen to it or not is our God given free will. I also believe we are not immediately or necessarily punished and rewarded based on either of these choices. And not all things in life are determined by our choices or free will. Some things are just happenstance. Take the young man Cody Fry fighting for his life. His only misstep was being born in Iowa (link below). This is why unfortunately, good things happen to bad people. And too… why bad things happen to good people. But isn’t it often really a combination of all three, good choices, bad choices and happenstance? I think maybe this is where the sayings, “Life’s a “beach” then you die” and “it is what is” come from.
I mean admittedly happenstance made me the product of an abusive childhood prior to my adoption. But, I also have had great opportunities presented to me in life since then, choices. Sometimes making the good choice, but often taking the bad choices. But all my choices, me exercise that damnable free will of ours. So nature or nurture what makes an addict? I’m not speaking of any of my parents, biological or the two that matter. Is it in my nature to be an addict or have I nurtured it myself? When presented with choices like this…
Delicious BTW!
And choosing them instead of an equally delicious, much healthier choice. Who’s left to blame now when my arteries are clogged? God, because he gave me free will or myself because I didn’t use it wisely? It would seem to me although being angry with God is an appropriate emotion, one he is willing to bear. Many of us, outside happenstance make pretty awful decisions for ourselves everyday.
If you were looking for answers here today, there are none. In fact I have more questions now. Global warming, addiction, or hash? Maybe I should start my days with Dannon Black Cherry Greek yogurt? I know for sure all the yogurt in the world won’t stop happenstance though. Besides the best way to start your day is with prayer. And I sure do love me some corned beef hash. I suppose as long as I don’t put it in a pipe and smoke it… I’ve exercised pretty good judgement today.
As always thanks for popping by. God Bless, Duane.
Moment by Moment 