Sometimes the next best decision is nothing at all. A complete lock down. I had a day last week where that was the case. The weather was so nice, I couldn’t leave my house. Sounds strange doesn’t it? Mother Nature had provided us a glorious day. Only for me, if I were to leave my house I might not have made it back. This isn’t always the case, but it was on this particular day. Oh I would have returned eventually, maybe in one piece, but not as a whole. Not as myself, a part of me would have been missing. Fortunately, I have created a wonderful space and home for myself. A necessity for all recovering addicts in my non-degree’d opinion. I think unless you’re an addict or suffer agoraphobia the probability of comprehension will be lost here. At that moment, my state of mind prevented my being in the outside world. The simple choices I would need to make, made leaving my home a non-starter.
But, when the thoughts that run through your head are such as, “it’s so beautiful today, you know what would make this even better…”, knowing it won’t. And yet, still wanting to do it. It becomes your reality. It’s a rather intense feeling, knowing that first step outside your own front door is going to be the next misstep in your life. One that I’ve made too many times, already. I thought about attending my first meeting since getting clean and sober, but was quickly reminded I don’t enjoy our club. Putting myself out there for something I don’t enjoy and that has never worked for me, seemed a little too risky. Plus, all the traps on the trip, most importantly though, making the journey back without succumbing to temptation.
Thank God this is only a temporary affliction for me, (this to shall pass). It would be hysterical, if it wasn’t so painful. It is exactly what I was referring to in “That Cool Refreshing Drink”. God removes the obsession, but not the desires and feelings associated with addiction. It’s a true conflict of interest. I don’t want to use the alcohol and drugs anymore, but the reasons why are still relevant. Hmm?
Let me explain. I don’t want to use again. But, I would also love not to feel how I do at times, which makes me want to use. It’s what I know. It’s dangerous to feel too good and dangerous to feel too bad. Imagine for a moment feeling somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. A misstep in either direction ends badly. This is where I become paralyzed. I’m not looking to live as a shut-in. I am though learning to read the signs, pay attention to my thoughts and my body. With trusting already such a chore it shouldn’t be so strange to second guess myself, be unsure of whom to trust, know where it is safe to be and who it is safe to be around. But it is, therefore… complete lock down.
Already this time around in sobriety, I have deflected the advances of would be helpers in the name of God and recovery. Those interested in aiding me further in the apparently, treacherous words of the Bible and just saying “no”. Yes, no a joke and not even a little funny either. So, after years of trying to rely on those who, have “worked the steps” and having been “worked over” I have opted to rely on myself. Chosen to navigate the recovery world, mostly alone. Dangerous… indeed! But nothing else has worked. The world is full of slime bags and posers. I have been hurt enough and have had my fill of these people. These hypocrites are worse than the dealers and users themselves.
Thankfully there is one whom I do seem to be able to rely on, God. Yup, surprising the shit out of me too. If I am being honest, which it appears I can’t control. God is the only thing between me and a full on relapse. I am not a complete narcissist, although was once diagnosed with delusions of grandeur. An interesting conflict to my diagnoses of inferiority and self-loathing over the years. And If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was too hard on myself, I could pay all my back child support. None of this makes me feel God has chosen me as a prophet. They say everybody is good at one thing. I am damn near an expert at failing in recovery. Again, in my non-degree’d opinion, I think something others may benefit from. But, WTF do I know?
Today while using the restroom at work I heard an oldie but a goody.
Not that I have Gods ear personally or his favor for that matter. I am falling in and out of that, all the time, multiple times, each and every day. When I do though, I ask for his forgiveness. Despite all my flaws, He is merciful and I am able to move on. Still knowing his presence and love for me is there. It’s since having asked for his grace that I recognize, hear, see and even say things differently. Take the above song. It is about two lover’s (ugh, that word again). But, that wasn’t what I heard while standing at the urinal.
Recovery is a way of life for me now. It is a part of who I am, who I’m going to be. I begin and end my days with prayer. This is how and who I must be in order to survive and thrive. I was struggling all day today with recovery (life) issues. For many those are health, financial, and emotional upheavals. Today for me it was a world wrought with selfishness, disrespect, rudeness, anger and hostility from others, not to mention from myself in its many forms. It is often difficult to find reasons for anyone, but especially those of us struggling in recovery not to self medicate to avoid the stresses of life. It takes hearing, seeing and speaking in a new way for me to understand Gods message for me fully. Or maybe I am just a loon. But if his message was something simple like, Duane take a minute… restart, refocus, and re-visualize. Then the song playing was just for me. Duane if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me… Pray!
So, I did. Right at the urinal… And gradually my day has gotten better.
As always thanks for pooping in. God Bless, Duane
Moment by Moment 