I have not yet written about the pink cloud, until now.
And not because I have not heard of it. But, because I knew I wasn’t experiencing it, as always links below. Basically it is the experience of euphoria often associated with early recovery. An idea that things will be amazing now because you have detoxed and are not using anymore. Balderdash and rot. I have been lucky enough to have had this experience while at an all time low in my life. Today was not a good day. And I am thankful for that.
In the not to distant past being just short of homelessness and having a child who hates me, I am also broke, can not currently drive, but own two vehicles. Twice in the last week people have stolen money from me at work. I have a women who is garnishing my wages over a non-existent damages from an accident eight months ago. The last of which has resulted in my being unable to perform duties, at a job I truly enjoy. To add some insult to injury, I receive daily phone calls from a long list of creditors that I abused during my self abuse. I am okay with all this. I am still shining through. It may take me years to get back to where I was before this last relapse. My daughter and I may never speak again, but this is why we had two. Just kidding. A sense of humor and being honest about what is happening in my life is paramount to enduring the rigors of the circus my life is at the moment. Perhaps some day there will be a comedy special. For now I will all have to settle for this blog.
Having said all this, nothing is more important than my staying true to myself. One of the things that is making that possible is prayer. I pray all day long, quietly to myself as the needs arise. I pray in my home every morning and before bed. At those times loudly and proudly. I’ve never been a big fan of those who pray openly in public at restaurants. Not because I don’t understand why, now. It is right to give him thanks and praise. But, because God is always present and knows if you are thankful. Thankful for all for the things he provides, including food.
I read regularly, search available information on the archangels so as to know who, how and where to direct my prayers. As I have mentioned before… God is busy. So I use the tools he has left us for enlightenment and answers to the daily problems of life. They haven’t stopped just because I have. Using Gods tools is working far better than using (mine). It is all very new and I am still learning much. Understanding these newly discovered gifts and tools, and how best to use them, it seems I am always apologizing. The exact direction of this blog seems to be constantly changing too. Maybe it is supposed to be though?
I had intended to start this entry a little differently than I have. Messages came loud and clear though. I was simply too tired and I wasn’t hitting my mark. After a few good nights rest and some food (which I was thankful and gave thanks for) I have awoken this morning far more refreshed and ready to tackle my next assignment. The juggling act.
This story is really about all the unpleasant and other complicated personalities in attendance at the circus. On a recent trip to Meijer I was reminded of what a condescending, arrogant ass I could be at times, even while pretending to be polite and helpful. I am lucky enough now to be using the tools available. H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely and tired) all by itself is an enormous amount of assistance. Again God takes care of those who are taking care of themselves first… we are the easiest. So when I am hungry I eat. When I am angry I ask myself why? It’s a hell of a lot easier to process your anger if you actually take the time to understand why your angry. Many times it’s related something entirely different than the situation at hand. You’d be surprised how often it isn’t even justified. Or maybe you wouldn’t, but just don’t want to admit that to others.
I am never lonely anymore. Gods presence and his love has completely filled that gap. I do however, from time to time feel there is a need for socialization. I am far more selective and careful now about who I choose and where I spend this time. Misery loves company. It is like a magnet for negativity and evil. Don’t believe me? Just spend some time with an addict, anyone interested in complaining or better yet ask a recovering addict. Being tired is a big one for me now. As I hurtle towards deaths door like an aging, aching old plow ox. I find relaxing, rest and recharging are like I imagine heaven itself to be.
We best get back to Meijer for god sake. After all the trek through the parking lot itself takes almost a half hour. What made this trip so enlightening was my search to find, Drakes. A delicious batter used by professional chefs in a variety of recipes and in restaurants all over the globe. You may not know what it is, but you’ve tasted it most certainly.
With the recent announcement of our local Kroger’s closing and my current driving situation. I have had to make adjustments in my shopping destinations. For one I am back to shopping at Meijer. I don’t mind saying I preferred the old set-up of the store and I find that now they have less variety and selection now. Plus, if I am being honest about it, I spend far more time wandering around because I no longer no where anything is. Not that it was an easy in and out before the remodel.
I need to preempt this story with the fact that having just left work I was exhausted and starving. So there I was looking for Drakes. I had been up and down aisle ten (baking needs, shortening, oil, etc.,) a few times. I figured I am on the right track. I was and was not. Looking to avoid having to bother anyone, partly because I understand being in service and that they are busy, restocking and preforming other duties. Mostly, though finding someone is a task unto itself. After several failed attempts pacing up and down the aisle I threw in the towel and began my search for assistance. In a few short moments much to my surprise I found a gal restocking a few aisles down at an end cap no less. Eureka! This brought me such joy (its the little things now).
That was until, I began to explain what I was looking for and she cut me short… blurted out, ‘aisle ten” and essentially shooed me away. I began to open my mouth again, but she fiercely and forcibly thrust her arm pointing in the direction of aisle ten and again scurried me along. This time with a snarky, “aisle ten is right there!” “Thank you for your help”, I said loudly, but in a hushed tone added under my breath “and for being so pleasant.” So I slunk off a little embarrassed (its not as if people weren’t around or I am human) and also now a little frustrated and upset. Interestingly, not upset so much because she was rude and insensitive to my needs, or a simple plea for assistance. But, because I could feel her lousy attitude affecting my already unbalanced one. I was hangry and tired, a trifecta! All the potentials for disaster existed.
I looked up and down “ten”… again, no luck. I had a brief stroke of genius! And headed to the fresh fish counter. ‘Maybe it’s over there”, I say aloud to myself garnering a few strange looks. But at this point any option or ridicule that didn’t include another risky encounter with little miss sunshine was preferred. So off I went… I had begun silently praying already after our initial meeting. Asking for help with my hunger and frustration over the fruitless exchange. Oh… what I wouldn’t have given for small banana or even a grape at this point. So, so hungry.
Much to my chagrin, no luck there either though. Around the corner perhaps my salvation was waiting. Stocking prepackaged steaks or some other meat product was a women dressed in all white donning a cap who clearly worked in the fresh meat and seafood department. An internal dialogue had again begun. I was weighing the best approach and possible outcomes to another hazardous attempt and plea for help. I feared my fragile and already bruised, but substantial ego will not be able to bear another attack resulting in an embarrassing and loud outburst from me. Feelings of justification or not, this isn’t a person I wish to be any longer or to become for any reason. Not even for Drakes.
So, timidly and with a ballerinas tiptoe step I approached the said female. A smile so enormously and broadly spread across my face that previously nonexistent dimples were beginning to form in my cheeks. With a whisperers voice (certainly not my forte’) I said to her, “Pardon me. I hate to bother you. I can see you are busy…” And again I am cut off before finishing my sentence.
This time though my vision in white turned to me with an even bigger smile than my own saying, “No, no it’s no bother how may I help you?” So for the second time while on this shopping trip I was filled with joy. I explained to her that I was looking for… Drakes. She knew what it was, Jackpot!
Without warning though her pleasant appearance suddenly took on a look of befuddlement. The smile that once greeted me so warmly had all but vanished. It was apparent she too, was unsure of where to find the elusive “Drakes”. Fortunately for us there was a man too clad in all white, who was also stocking meat products. She began heading in his direction. But, with a swift swerve to the left moved past the gentleman to ask a different associate for guidance. With her back to us, face deep into the end cap, she was pulling product forward or as they say in the biz, facing. I immediately recognized that I had already sought counsel in my quest from the cold cruel back we were now facing. It is my Meijer archenemy. Unbeknownst to my angel in white she was about began an inquiry down a dark path with a devil woman. “Hey, do you know where the Drakes is?” she asked with a lithe in her lilt.
Nary a passing glance in our direction, but with a hatred for all mankind in her voice she let out a primal and guttural, “Didn’t I tell you it is in aisle ten already!” An audible gasp could be heard from my champion. A little rattled herself or perhaps concerned for our safety, she swiftly returned to my side. For only a moment I wished she would grab a hold of my hand. Instead, we just turned and headed for dreaded aisle ten, yet again on my beset pilgrimage for Drakes.
My new meat goddess and I stood in the aisle. We looked for, but were unable to see any boxes marked, “Drakes”, for what felt like an eternity. High and low, left and right we stood, eyes glazed over, scanning the area along aisle ten that the she-devil had pointed us to. All the while our now common foe standing nearby aggressively blurting out over and over again, “IT’S RIGHT THERE, IT’S RIGHT THERE!”, in a most loud and agitated shrill voice. Her once polarized disdain for me now replaced with an annoyance for an incompetent peer and as it were possible… even more hatred for me, as a consumer with needs. Ironically, she had been right after all. It was in aisle ten. The other half of aisle ten. The long separation between all the aisles (an aisle itself), doesn’t mark the beginning of new aisles, it’s just a comma before the continuation. A moment of her time and an ounce of kindness would have led me in the right direction.
My “Drakes” now in hand, turning quickly on my heels before evil end-capper left. I felt a few things needed to be said, “Thank you. Have a great day. I have no doubt you will… while your continuing to ruin other peoples day with your lousy attitude.” This time though in a voice full of strength. My sirloin sweetie smiled and apologized for her co-workers attitude. I thanked her and bid her farewell. I stopped part way to the checkout turned around and went back to the prepackaged princess adding a much appreciated and seldom heard, “Hey thank you so much for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it. Have a great day.”
The wonderful part of this story for me is not letting someone else have control of my day. My moment or my emotions. No pink cloud… shit happens, people are mean, rude and inconsiderate all too often. We so quickly react in our self absorbed, walk into traffic cell phone obsessed, everything at the touch of a button, do it yourself check-out, bring it to my house world, that it feels like we are forgetting how to just be civil to each other for even the simplest of intrusions into our lives. Something as simple as directions. I am in the service industry and see it everyday and everywhere. I am less guilty of this than in my past, but I will still be working on it. Working on myself. Diligently and constantly.
In this circus we call life trying to juggle all the roles we play, responsibilities, obligations and commitments we have, it is so easy to let common courtesy slip by. Especially for the stranger. But even worse I’ll bet if you think about it… Taking the time to be grateful and thankful to those you love and truly appreciate escapes you as well. Everyone needs to know that they are appreciated. That the things they do for others don’t go unnoticed. This shouldn’t be why we do them. But, it should be why we make a point of letting others know we are paying attention and that they are appreciated.
I didn’t go back and sit with angry lady to counsel her and find out what her anger was from. That would just be weird. I do think she needed a hug, but instead as I headed for checkout, “Drakes” in hand, I prayed for her. I pray for all those I feel are hurting now. I don’t know what her hurt is. But, I know we all do. And I know that being cruel to others for no apparent reason is most likely a result of something else H.A.L.T, or otherwise. So I pray for them. I pray for myself for patience, understanding, wisdom, and the courage to let the moment pass. I pray that God provides counsel for them. That they receive his light and are willing to accept it. Even if they don’t and aren’t interested, it makes my humanity grow and brings me closer to him.
As always thanks for popping in, Duane.
http://www.drakesbattermix.com/recipes
https://addictionresource.com/treatment/pink-cloud-syndrome/
Moment by Moment 