It isn’t the things we are comfortable with that make us grow… but the things we aren’t.
I am a good person, but…
Something a little different was needed to begin this blog entry, an affirmation. This wasn’t my idea, but then neither was the blog. I am now receiving all kinds of advice. All solicited, I have asked not only for other peoples assistance in this process, but as you all know Gods. It’s funny how when you pray for some things they take forever and yet others, well… BOOM! God answered today and how. So, I’m starting with the man in the mirror and asking him to change his ways… NO MESSAGE COULD HAVE BEEN ANY CLEARER!
For some odd reason some of my strongest contact with Jesus and the angels occurs while showering. Maybe it is the vulnerability. A connection to birth and being naked, who knows? As the Michael above… Jackson, that is, not the Archangel was singing, “Man in the Mirror” while I showered my next best steps came flooding in. They rained down on me as if the very droplets of water were themselves delivering the message. Gods next directive for me…
Family Forgiveness
My dear friend Janet right before she called me an asshole said, “Do you even know how to apologize?” BOOM. I do, but like a lot of things for me, it doesn’t come easily. In the past during periods of recovery I have just assumed since my behavior was reflective of new changes in my ways of thinking, that somehow those I love and have concerned, upset, neglected and embarrassed over the many years would automatically understand, how sorry I am. Sorry for my behavior and the ways in which I have hurt them. While continuing to shower I was also struck by the complexity of what a strange emotion, hurting really is.
I am hurting right now, immeasurably. I have several different kinds of hurt right now. Some concern my daughters. Others are related to grieving over previous practices of my past and feeling loss. But, at the moment the real hurt and real issue is that for the first time, even with Gods presence I feel like using. BOOM. Ironically because of this blog and my new relationship with God. Not because I want to use. But, again ironically because of this blog and my new relationship with God. That was not an editing error. The sentence was repeated twice purposefully.
I am absolutely sure I won’t use. However, it is the same reason I want to use. While showering I was asked to write my cousin Sarah and her new husband Frank. I owe them an apology. It would be easier to do, if I could remember all the ways in which, I was inappropriate at their wedding. But “fireball” is an unforgiving bastard when it comes to black outs. So here and again privately, I will say, to my cousin and her wonderful husband… I am sorry. Sorry for any disruption my behavior may have caused on your special day. Also, for any discord the boys feel towards me.
In addition to being asked to get off my ass, write the apology or maybe because it was sitting on my to do list for some time. God added to and amended the task. He asked for a taller order. BOOM. It is truly something to have the presence of Jesus with you and feel comfort. It is something entirely different to know what he is asking of you will cause discomfort not only for yourself, but the ones you love. This was exactly what the message I received had outlined.
While washing my hair I came to realize the different kinds of hurt associated with my addict behavior over the years. And how it has affected my family. I could have curled up in a ball on the shower floor and wept, but instead the addict came out raging, begging to be fed. I have never felt so uncomfortable in life. I could throw up, right now, while I am typing this very sentence.
God wants me to admit a couple of things. Come clean and ask my family for forgiveness. The worst part isn’t the admitting. It is my knowing that they all already know, but have still loved and cared for me despite that. Until I just wrote that sentence I didn’t even know this was why I was asked to write this entry. I’m in tears again. Time for a break.
Over and again… mysterious ways. Asking us to do things we aren’t comfortable with is one of the many ways in which our faith is tested. I wanted to finish this entry last night, but just wasn’t able. I needed to rest and recharge my batteries. One of the things I’ve discovered is that always being there to pick up the pieces of a broken down addict is exhausting. So too, is giving of ones self. I need to take care of myself in order to try and help in the aid of others. AA and other twelve step programs say it something like this, “For us to keep what we have, we must be willing to give it away. But, in order to have something to give, you must keep a little.” Or maybe I just made that up. To see if I would, is not only mysterious, but also… an extremely good gauge of the new soldier.
A friend sent me a video on the, “End of days”. I think that is what brought me here for this journal entry. Decidedly, it was not only a little frightening, but made it undeniably clear those truly committed to Jesus as it is written, will lose everything defending his word. Those we love and care for, our possessions… all worldly things. There is a huge upside, but that is a different entry all together. Back to task.
As for my immediate and extended families including close friends. I am so sorry. There has been hurt. With issues ranging from our grandmother (there is a reason I got that cookie jar, that beautiful woman loved me, this I know!), my situation with my grandfather (I wrote about it a recent post), our beloved Aunt Phil (awkward for all of us… I lost one of my champions, in the end we all did). The lost jail time, hospitalizations, injures, re-habs, weddings, receptions, missed holidays, divorce, money issues, lies, disrespect, disappointments and I am sure much more.
I see things more clearly now as a clean and sober adult. That is not an excuse, but a reality. And with the light of God at my side in fact, I can’t seem to stop seeing and hearing the messages. The hurt that is caused is like an elaborately constructed maze of dominoes. Families operate on a delicate and sensitive scale. The saying, “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy” is around for a reason.
From what would seem the smallest disappointment to the grandest celebrations. Every situation in a family has an effect on every other member of that family (this is true for society, as well, but I am starting with my family). Why would my struggle be any different or have any less impact on those around me? As addicts we don’t see this and unfortunately, our numbers are large.
Have I mentioned my troubled youth? Looking back I see the formation of an addict now. Once at a psychiatrists office, the SOB (I may still be harboring a little resentment. I’ll work on that later.) used a metaphor to describe us, my family. The accuracy is not relevant, although perhaps had some validity. A licensed healer with an MD should have a better set of principles and skills than this… “Imagine your family is a boat on the ocean and everyone is on board except Duane. He is flying solo, circling above… a kamikaze pilot. You and the rest of your family are the only target in the sight.” BOOM! We did not continue to see him. In retrospect, maybe we should have given it some more thought. Perhaps, we would have all discovered I wasn’t in a plane overhead, but rather stuck in a lifeboat on the ocean alone myself. Waiting to be rescued, too.
Today my mother drove me to an appointment for my HIV. It is the first opportunity we’ve had to talk privately about my current situation, blog and transformation. To my great surprise she not only reads it, but thinks it is insightful and well written (for the most part, she was an English teacher after all). As we spoke, the book we talked about writing together that I have referenced in the blog previously was brought up. She reminded me that one of the reasons we hadn’t continued with the concept was hurting others, not just each other. Ironic…right? My children in particular. They were around eight and ten at the time. Well they are young women now. And unfortunately still being hurt.
Hurting those I love and care about as a practicing addict was a natural phenomenon and occurrence. It still appears to be. We, my mother and I talked about other possible venues for my outlet and purge. Those more appropriately suited for the information I include in this blog. I shared with her a story. I’ll share it with you now. A friend suggested the other day I call my sponsor… but, I don’t have one. Virtually every sponsor I have had over the three decades bouncing in and out of twelve step programs and even several of my therapists, has hit on and tried or successfully got me into bed. Productive and healthy recovery counseling with someone trying to put their dick in your mouth is a most difficult undertaking.
So when is a good time for a recovering addict to share their story? I’ve shared mine at AA meetings and been asked out to drink afterwards. I’ve shared it at NA meetings and have found new suppliers and brand new friends to use with. Just the other day I shared it with an active addict. Within hours he asked if I could help him cop (acquire drugs). Lord knows I shared it every day with all of you when I was using. It was written all over my face, in my actions, and my words then. So why now in my recovery choose to disguise the ugly truth. We let that continue for years.
And I am not done yet… there are the missed events with family and friends; showers, weddings, recitals, first dates, bed time stories, parent teacher conferences and of course all the broken promises. But then again you would have to be invited or asked to such things. BOOM! A dear friends sister got married not to long ago and I wasn’t invited. The situation was awkward for all of us. She unnecessarily apologized at a Christmas celebration at their parents home. Both she and her partner are also dear friends, horrible golfers, but dear friends. Just kidding guys.
We hugged. I love her and her partner very much. Here is why I take the blame for the brunt of these missed opportunities to share in family and friends, “Most of us don’t know what to say or how to approach a tweaked out junkie version of a person we used to know. We purse our lips and internally, say, “Aw that is too bad. What a shame. I hope he/she gets it together.” But we are frightened and paralyzed too. Ironically, by their addiction. Because in that moment it is ours too. We are just as unsure as the addict themselves of how to help or what to say.” This a direct quote from myself about myself in, “Chasing My Tail” a previous blog post. Being clean and sober produces the most wonderful things,
I have already received an invitation to their baby shower. BOOM!
I guess, what I am saying is… we are all hurting. For my part in causing others hurt in the past, I am truly sorry. Most likely I will never be able to remember all of the damage, rectify or make up for much of hurricane Duane’s destruction. That doesn’t mean I won’t try. Or I don’t care. Some won’t accept or forgive. I am prepared for that. If hurt and suffering were declared disasters we would all be receiving checks from FEMA. We all play a part. We all cause and we all create hurt. My intent is not to cause more heartache and pain for you or myself. So, for my part in causing hurt now with the words I write and the things I share. Again, I am truly sorry. Especially for those inadvertently affected…
but… nothing, I am a good person!
I have revealed and shared much in this entry. Far too much I am sure. I am tired though and my time is limited. This may cost me even more. I am also prepared for that. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes in the first two thirds of my life. And for that I offer more apologies. But, I am paying the prices for all of them now. Many are exorbitant, and most certainly not monetarily. What I won’t do, is spend what little precious time I may have left in this world being scared and afraid anymore. If this sounds unsympathetic or hostile it isn’t meant to be. It is just what having faith in Christ has provided me with; Peace, comfort and acceptance in things I’ve done, who I am and the direction I am to go.
We are one.
As always thanks for popping in, Duane.
https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/default.html
Moment by Moment 