Where to begin? Truth be told I have begun this on many other occcaisions. It clearly wasn’t the time then and perhaps it isn’t the time now. We will see. One of the original thoughts on how to tackle the subject matter was my mothers, Kathy. She had suggested we colaborate on a book upon where we used my various addresses over the decades as chapter titles and each take turns telling our versions of my (our) lives during these periods. Brilliant… right? I wrote a first draft chapter on the begining of what I remember from what I guess would have been my first address (pre age 4). Unfortunatley or fortunately that chapter contained nothing. As I have no memory of my biolocigal family. No images, no names, and no faces. But, also no mental, sexual, or physical abuse either. I promise to deliver on more of that in this and future entries. I also promise with all earnest to be as honest as I possibly can. When and if there are events I choose to share that are unclear or my recall is sketchy at best I will inform you of such matters.
For now I want to explain why that book hasn’t come to fruition. Most likely due to continued alcohol and drug use not only was my writing poor and grammar lacking at the time (probably still questionable), as my dear friend Janet pointed out with little or no other comments. But, I had emailed a copy to my mother and although she and I have never spoke of the book since. I am quite sure the anger and content I included were frightening enough to make her question whether this endevour was in fact a good idea for either of us and our relationship. I think to be in a place where you write a book or a place where your intent to help others through your learned knownledge and experiences you must be a place of peace. I believe that for the first time in my life I have in fact found that place of peace.
I feel it important to mention before you read any further this isn’t for everyone. I intend to be me; brutally honest, vulgar, yet delightful and hopefully inspiring. This won’t necessarily be filled with new information or break-through ideas either. This is an old tale being told in not a new way , but my way. It is my story and how I have overcome many of the obstacles in my life, but not all. “Results may vary depending on the individual”. Your trials may or may not be the same as mine. Perhaps yours are worse, far worse (and for that you have my thoughts and cares) or not as devastating at all. But I do now know from my experiences that when you are ready to receive inspiration or you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will grasp onto what works. You will take from it what you can use and leave the rest! For those paying attention… yup, I just straight up ripped off the , “Big Book”. Thank you Bill and friends of Bill!
While I’m admitting to my plagierizing let me share another discovery about how similiar all our excperiences, “the human experience” really are. Recently I watched, “Beautiful Boy” and read a short interview and article on the son, Nic Sheff. While my saga ins’t his and isn’t the same. I can not explain nor deny that I feel an emotional and kindred conection to a man I don’t know and have never met. I can only speak for myself, but often in my life I have reflected on what a lucky little boy I was to be adopted by the Lings and the “village” (shout out to my girl Hilldog!) that took responibility for me. I have only ever wanted for anything in my life because I created situations that placed my desires, wants, and needs out of my reach. I am my own worst enemy and my biggest obstacle. I literally could not have written these last two sentences just a few short months ago. My anger, bitterness, and inablitiy to take responsibility for my own actions and decision making would not have allowed me.
Moment by Moment 